


Equinox

by chitownhero



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Drama, F/M, Romance, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 08:07:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26469931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chitownhero/pseuds/chitownhero
Summary: It wasn’t just that I loved him more than I thought was humanly possible. It was that I really thought he loved me, too. To be so treasured, held up on such a pedestal by a living god and expanding my world far beyond my imagination… only to be thrust back to the small town life I had never really gotten used to. Why hadn’t I protected myself when I knew he could never love me like I loved him? Why did I give my heart to a mystical being who was too good for me? Why, why after all these months did remembering him say my name still feel like the sweetest poison?// New Moon timeline with a lot of twists. Tragic love, taking off from when Jacob first gets turned into a werewolf.
Relationships: Edward Cullen/Bella Swan, Jacob Black/Bella Swan
Comments: 7
Kudos: 24





	1. Sick

It had been two days since the awkward not-date with Mike and Jacob and I was beside myself. Right after I recovered from my 24-hour flu, I called Jake ready to chew him out for not calling me when he got home. Billy answered warily, saying that he was still not feeling well. I was bristled by his tone, unsure why he would act reserved when I just recovered from the same illness, but asked him to let Jacob know I’d try to stop by tomorrow when he was feeling better.  


“Let Jacob call you,” Billy warned. “He probably won’t be up to it tomorrow. He’s…” there was a pause, and I felt a twinge of nervousness tear through my stomach. “probably got something different. Something contagious.”  


My brows furrowed. How could he catch something else?  


“I don’t mind, Billy. I can be careful,” my voice was earnest, and I tried not to let my anxiety show. “I can bring soup—” there was a low cry coming from the other side of the line. I paused, horrified that it was probably Jacob in pain.  


“Stay home, Bella.” Billy’s voice was hasty and sharp, and the next thing I heard was a dial tone.  


The next day I called Jacob’s house again almost hourly, but no one ever answered. Charlie assured me that Billy could handle Jake, and that I was making a pest of myself by bothering them. I tried not to see the wary looks he shot me while I dejectedly walked out of the kitchen and into my room. I also tried not to think about what he may have been worried would reappear.  
By Sunday, I decided to drive to Jake’s house, contagious disease be damned… only to find it empty. I was beginning to get scared- how serious was it? I drove to La Push hospital and checked for Jacob and Billy’s names, but no one had been registered. I was wracking my brain for signs I may have missed- did Jacob look off-color the last time I saw him? Had he put his hands some place questionable at the movies? The only sick people he had really been in contact with were me and Mike.  


Feeling useless, I went back home and got on the computer. WebMD might know. I went to type Jacob’s illnesses into google, but I paused. What did he actually have besides a fever? I groaned, stepping away. “fever+contagious” was not going to give me a definite answer. I threw myself on my bed before rolling into a sitting position. I could clean my room, I thought. I had already made a hefty dinner yesterday, so it didn’t make sense to cook something else today when there were so many leftovers. And my homework was finished so there was really nothing else to do.  


Resolved, I got up and began scooping clothes from the floor. I straightened the books from my collection, dusted, and was about to start my laundry when my eyes caught sight of the jumble of boxes in my closet. Stray wires laid against the wall like vines, and I could see the tufts of wrinkled wrapping paper underneath. My birthday gifts were the only things that Edward allowed me to keep when he disappeared, and their presence reminded me that as crazy as I had become, I didn’t make him up. The Cullens had been here, for real.  


My heart squeezed at the thought of their name, and before I realized it, tears had welled up in my eyes. I remembered Emmett’s laugh after I discovered he was installing my car stereo during my birthday party from hell… the last carefree moment I had with my vampires. Through months of heartache, my mind was trained to avoid all thoughts of Edward and his family—my almost family. It must have been my stress about Jacob or the lack of sleep I got the night before that made my willpower fail. On its own accord, my mind continued to wander.  


Like flashes, I remembered Alice’s decorations from my birthday party, her gleaming face the first time she introduced herself. Carlisle’s kind eyes as he pulled the shattered glass from my skin… the last time I saw him. Edward’s eyes when he told me he didn’t want me anymore.  


I flinched, knowing that I crossed a line. I was already on the brink of full-on crying at the thought of Alice, but remembering Edward’s complete rejection was like a hot knife in my stomach. Thinking about Edward was like unleashing a rampant wind, held together by a thin layer of my resolve. It wasn’t just that I loved him more than I thought was humanly possible. It was that I really thought he loved me, too. To be so treasured, held up on such a pedestal by a living god and expanding my world far beyond my imagination… only to be thrust back to the small town life I had never really gotten used to. How could it be like they never existed when he had changed me irrevocably? I was immediately swept in despair, his melodic voice circling in my head. _My world is not for you. Bella, I don’t want you. I’m tired of pretending I’m something I’m not. You’re not good for me. I’ve let this go on too long._  


_I don’t want you._  


I fell to the ground, dropped my basket to the floor with me. Vaguely I noticed the floor under my knees give with a low creak. Hot tears squeezed out of my eyes and I began to sob into my arms. It was like I was a handful of ribbons, once held together by a single loop. My hair curtained me from the light in my bedroom, and as I slumped to the side I wished the darkness would swallow me whole. I didn’t even have the mind to try and stop myself. Between my sobs, my ragged breath scorched my sore throat. I felt lost, caught captive by my mind’s image of Edward’s cold stare. I had never been good enough for him, and in the mix of despair I also felt completely ashamed of myself. Why hadn’t I protected myself when I knew he could never love me like I loved him? Why did I give my heart to a mystical being who was too good for me? Why, why after all these months did remembering him say my name still feel like the sweetest poison?  


I was disgusted with myself, and it only made me cry harder. My hands, wet with tears, jerked across my eyes and my left elbow hit the bedpost. It sent a shock up my arm, and within that tiny moment void of my depression, a voice in my head said “What would Jacob think seeing you like this?”  


It wasn’t Edward’s voice this time, but it was so unexpected I didn’t believe it could be my own, either. The roaring gape in my chest was not any less painful, but it stopped causing more pain. At the mention of his name, I pictured Jacob’s sweet smile in the garage. I swiped my eyes again, taking a shaky breath. My face was swollen from crying, and I was nearly overcome with exhaustion, but it was over for now. I took a shirt from my hamper and wiped my face once more before crawling into bed. Jacob’s eyes, so unlike Edward’s, caught my memory again and I remembered one of the last things he said to me.  


_I wanted you to know that I’m always here. I won’t ever let you down—I promise that you can always count on me._  


It was like salve and salt over my heart. Jacob had become so essential to me I couldn’t imagine a day without him. He was the only reason I laughed, the only reason I was able to make it through the week anymore. But I was so guilty, so knotted up inside, because he was offering me the world and most of my heart had left me. Jacob was my shining light, my sun, but what could I offer him? A few half-hearted laughs? A girl who could barely sleep at night and pick herself up in the morning? I was not a vampire, but I had been living undead for months. What if that’s all I could be anymore? Even at my happiest with Jacob, I could only feel whole for a moment before sadness knocked me again. Did he deserve that?  


I turned over in bed, facing my gifts in the closet. Just looking at them made my heart twinge, but as I went to sleep I knew that I’d rather have them there than have nothing left of the Cullens at all.


	2. Chapter 2

That night I dreamt of the forest again. I started walking, mostly out of habit. I had been caught in this dream for months now. I was always looking for Edward. The trees towered over my head, making it nearly impossible to see in the darkness. Despite their looming height, I found myself struggling more than usual to push aside branches and step over roots. My shoes sunk into the ground with every step. I was trudging slowly, feeling out for trees with extended hands. With one step, my foot squished through the ground, encasing my calf in dirt. I yelped, losing my balance and falling on my back. The cool ground was solid beneath me, but the dirt surrounding my leg rumbled like an earthquake. I could barely see, but to my horror I felt the dirt begin to climb up my body. I couldn’t tell if the ground was sinking or I was being pulled under. I screamed at the sensation of dirt rapidly shooting up my leg and threw my hands down to scratch myself free.  


“Edward!” I cried, wildly throwing a hand outward. “Please!”  


There was no indication that he was even there, but I continued to scream out his name. The dirt ran up my thigh, taking only a moment to quickly encase my other leg. Now I could only see my stomach. With my other hand I clawed desperately at my thigh, but touching the dirt only began its journey up my arm.  


It was impossible to know how long I had been on the ground, but I somehow knew it was almost over. I quieted, letting defeat settle in my bones. The dirt was on my collarbone now and its cool dampness stung my skin. I wondered frantically if it would go inside my body. I was hyperventilating, and the trees that hung over me seemed to swirl. Could you die from a nightmare?  


Above my head, the moon broke out from the trees. It was almost as if it pushed them aside because in one moment, the moon went from completely obscured to framed perfectly with the treetops. It glowed a yellow light so brilliant it could have been the sun. I could feel the dirt on my neck, rumbling near my face.  


This was it. I opened my mouth for a final cry, keeping my eyes on the moon.  


“Please!”  


The ground beneath me shook again and I was sure that in a moment it would make room for my body, sinking me in darkness forever. I closed my eyes. Just then, as I felt my body begin to lower, a strong arm yanked my hand. Effortlessly, the dirt dropped like dry sand- beginning from my arm outward to the rest of my body. I only knew one person with that effortless strength. Eyes still closed, I gasped and grabbed that wrist with my other hand. I hugged the hand to my chest, feeling myself lift and settle into the stranger’s chest.  


It took me only a second to know it wasn’t Edward. The chest was warm, human. The hands, stronger than anyone else I knew, were larger than Edwards and I felt hair on the surface. Under the glow of the moon, I looked up to see Jake. In this light, he looked more angelic than I ever imagined he could be. He wasn’t wearing the lighthearted smile I had grown to love, but his dark brown eyes looked at me so softly I wanted to cry.  


Carefully, Jacob scooped me into his arms. He cradled me softly, rearranging me so that I could move my hand from his forearm to around his neck. I nestled my head under his chin, placing my left hand on top of his chest. I was completely encompassed in Jacob… Safe from all danger.  


“Jake,” I murmured, glancing at my hand.  


“Yeah, Bella?” Jake’s voice was almost a whisper. Taking a quick breath, I slowly slid my hand up Jacob’s chest to the base of his neck, letting it rest there. I could hear his breath catch. He said my name again, gruffly this time, and I shifted in his arms so I could bring my face closer to his. Feeling his body against mine triggered a reaction I had never anticipated, but I made no effort to stop.  
My right arm moved from around his neck so I could cradle the back of his head. I wasn’t thinking, but if there were words for the feelings that were running through my body they would have been _this feels so right_. I was warm everywhere, and I didn’t know if it was coming from Jacob or myself.  


I closed my eyes, bringing his face closer to my own. My heartbeat was ringing in my ears and once I was close enough to feel Jacob’s breath, I was swept away with sensation. I felt his strong arms squeeze me tighter. Combing my right hand into his hair, I slid my left hand to his cheek and pressed his lips to mine. The fire within me blazed as I felt him move against me… with me…  


My hands pulled him closer, and just as I felt his lips part against mine-- my eyes abruptly opened.  


Disoriented, I looked wildly around my room. Daylight had cracked, creating streaks of light across my bedroom. I could feel the phantom of Jacob’s lips against mine, a subtle buzzing under my skin.  


Running over last night’s events in my head, I blushed deeply and pulled my blanket over my face. What _was_ that?  


Still red, I glanced over to my nightstand to check the time. I woke up 10 minutes before my alarm-- not long enough to go back to sleep. I rolled my eyes at the thought. Did I want to finish what I started? Shaking my head, I stepped out of bed and began to get ready for school. I was kind of tired still, actually. I barely said a word to Charlie as I left the house.  


Thanks to the past three months of my deep depression, I was able to move through my school day with minimal human interaction. I was ashamed to admit it, but I couldn’t get my dream out of my mind. Not just kissing Jake (I couldn’t give that memory my full attention without blushing), but all of it. The blazing moon, nearly drowning in dirt… For some reason it struck me as more than just jumbly dream garbage.  


After school, I drove straight to Newton’s for work. Being someone who interacted with the outside as little as possible, I was pretty useless for customer service and answering questions. Mrs. Newton usually took pity on me and had me stock or clean, but Mike didn't come in today so she sent me to the front to work the register.  


I was two hours into my shift and almost finished with my Spanish homework when our first customer came in. Two middle-aged men marched in, one carrying a handful broken metal. They both muttered raspy _Hi ladies_ to Mrs. Newton and I, but barely glanced in our direction. The one holding the metal was wearing a large wheat-colored coat, zipped fully with bulging pockets. The other was wearing a dark blue anorak with a brown beanie pulled tightly over his ears. They were clearly coming straight from hunting or something- they tracked dirt as they trekked through the back half of the store. I glanced at Mrs. Newton, who was too busy grimacing at the trail to meet my eye. From where I was I could only see the tops of our customers’ heads, but the tone of their conversation was stressed. I could barely pull out the words _what, trap, and blood_ before I realized I was staring at them and looked back at my homework. The two men moved to look at the wall of winter shoes we had on display, and I could finally hear what they were talking about.  


“Are you calling me stupid? Man there ain’t no way I didn’t set this up right- I nearly ripped my damn hand off checking it. No, some kind of animal broke this apart.” The man holding the mangled metal (which I now realized looked a lot like a trap) shook it in his partner’s face. The man in the beanie huffed, clearly not wanting to argue.  


“All I’m sayin’ is that maybe something else happened to it. We never know…” His right hand moved up to smooth his beanie over his head.  


The man with the metal shook his head and reached to look closer at one of the boots on display. His voice lowered and I resisted the urge to lean in to hear him. “You know what Tom was sayin’ last week? I think it was one of those bears, Danny. One of those super bears that are all chocked up on chemicals or whatever. I didn’t believe it before, but look at it.” He pressed the contraption into Danny’s chest, which he grabbed reluctantly. “What kind of animal could snap this in half?”  


Danny stood in silence. The other guy placed the boot he was looking at back on display and pulled a shoebox from the stack below it. When they came up to the register, he looked up at me with tired eyes and gave a small smile.  


“Just these. Thanks, dear.”

I watched them go silently, and for the first time that day it wasn't Jacob that was on my mind- it was Charlie. 


	3. Chapter 3

I drove home imagining the worst. Charlie, stumbling through the woods with his shotgun, sneaking up to a ten foot bear that I imagined to have like two times the muscles as usual. Charlie steps on a fallen branch, alerting the beast that he’s nearby. The bear snaps its head to where he is, looming over him in seconds. I squeezed my steering wheel. 

It roars right in Charlie’s face, making him fall back. Charlie fumbles with his gun but quickly shoots the bear point-blank, right in the chest. To his horror, the bullet deflects off the bear and strikes into the bark of a nearby tree. The bear swats at Charlie, smacking the gun straight out of his hand. Charlie screams, his face contorted in terror--

I was snapped out of my daydream by a cacophony of car horns. Jolted, I shot up to see the light I was sitting at had turned green without my notice. Glancing at my rearview mirror, I saw at least two cars stalled behind me. I shrunk in my seat and groaned internally. _That’s what I get for not paying attention._

I waved sheepishly at the cars at the intersection and tried to hide my reddened face and pressed my foot hard on the gas. I forced the thoughts about monster bears from my mind. I was letting those men at Newton’s get in my head. Theirs was the first conversation I had heard about “super bears”-- it could’ve been anything in those woods... Somehow, that thought did not comfort me. Actually, it made me even more anxious. _James_ had tried to stalk me in those woods. I felt a chill run up my back at the thought.

Turning onto my street, I decided not to bring it up to Charlie. If he didn’t know about the woods, I didn’t want to be the reason he started checking them out. I quickly parked my truck and walked inside, hearing the tv play softly in the living room. I popped my head in to see Charlie lounged on his recliner with a beer.

“Hey, Bells. How was work?” Charlie tilted his head in my direction but kept his eyes on the screen.

“Uneventful,” I said. “Mrs. Newton let me leave early. Are you cool with lasagna again for dinner?”

I was already pulling the container out of the fridge when I heard him say “Yeah, Bells. Of course.”

I was thankful for once that the game was there to occupy Charlie. I served his plate to him in the living room and was about to take my food upstairs when Charlie reached out and grabbed my arm.  


“Bells,” Charlie shifted in his chair to face me. “I talked to Billy today.”  


“How’s Jake?” I asked immediately. Charlie chuckled, but then his brow furrowed.  


“Well,” he began, picking up his plate. “he says he’s doing as well as he can be. But Billy told me that Jake is contagious, so he’s not seeing anybody for at least a month.”  


_A month?_ My jaw fell. I wouldn't last that long. A month without Jake meant a month without bikes-- how was I going to hear Edward again?  


“I got my vaccinations,” I started, but Charlie was shaking his head before I could even finish.  


“There’s no vaccine for mono, Bella. Now, I just thought that you’d like to know that Jacob will be okay. I don't want you trying to go over-- you have school and work to think about.”  


“Sure,” I said vacantly, turning to go back upstairs. Besides the fact that I had already _tried _going to see Jacob, I decided that Charlie wasn’t telling me anything useful. I ran up to my room and shut the door tightly. I had to figure out how I was going to survive.__

____

  


____

If I was being honest with myself, I _hadn’t_ actually survived the days after my conversation with Charlie. That night, I had the worst nightmare I’d had in days. I woke up multiple times, always with tears and labored breath. That really set the tone for the upcoming days.  


____

Of course I went to school, but I mentally could not muster the energy to be present. I opted to sit in my truck during lunch just to avoid conversation. The only conversation I really had was with mike over a sheet of paper, where I asked him to cover my two shifts for the rest of the week. He wrote back that he could, but when he slid the paper back to me with “is everything okay?” I didn’t respond.  


____

I made my best effort to look human for Charlie, but there was no way he couldn’t tell that without Jake I was a mess. Even though he tried to keep me updated on Jake’s condition, Billy wasn’t giving him a lot to work with. Eventually I think Charlie reached the end of his rope, because on Friday as I was preparing the dishes to wash, the phone rang.  


____

My head snapped up immediately, causing me to drop a spoon into the sink. Charlie eyed me for a second, trying to hide his humor.  


____

“I figured you might get a call tonight. Go easy on Jake, he hasn’t gotten much better according to what Billy’s told me.” Charlie, bless him, hoisted himself from his recliner and moved to relocate in his own room. I murmured a thank you to him as I picked up the phone.  


____

“Hello?” I cradled the phone with both hands, pressing the hearing receiver close to my ear. I could hear very faint noise from the other side, but it was almost as if the phone was underwater.  


____

The quiet was violently interrupted by some type of crash, causing me to flinch. I was about to speak again, but before I could I heard a growl on the other side.  


____

“Bella?” Jacob’s voice strained, like he was calling me while holding a ton of bricks. I shifted the phone in my hand, glancing upstairs into the hallway. Charlie’s door was closed.  


____

“Jake?” I whispered tensely. “Is everything okay? I’ve been so worried. Your dad said you have mono-”  


____

“Yeah,” Jake said bitterly. “It’s not safe for you to be around me.” He took a breath and to my surprise it sounded labored. “We can’t hang out anymore, Bella.” I wondered if he was crying on the other side and it squeezed my heart.  


____

“Jake,” I said in a soft tone. “It’s okay, it’s only for a month…”  


____

To my surprise, Jacob huffed into the phone and growled “No, Bella. I can’t be with you anymore. It’s not-” he choked on the end of his sentence, but it sounded like _safe_. It’s not safe.  


____

My mind started racing. What was he talking about? His words were not adding up. If it was just mono, why was he so serious? And why didn’t he want to see me after? I panicked as I came closer to the conclusion that this was a type of break up.  


____

“Come on, Jake.” I pleaded. “What’s going on?  


____

“I can’t” Jacob whispered. “Bella, I have to- you-” It was as though he was speaking around an invisible ball, trying to come as close to what he wanted to say as possible. I was about to say something like _spit it out, Jake_ when I heard another faint voice say “come on, Jacob. Enough.” I could hear the phone jostle from Jake’s hand, and before I could even ask, the call was over.

____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all! Thanks for reading this week & thank you for the positive feedback. It means a lot :) It looks like posting M/T works for me, so I look forward to keeping that schedule moving forward. What did y'all think about Bella's convo with Jake?


	4. Chapter 4

I listened to the dial tone absently, running over the conversation again in my head. One thing was clear: Jacob was dealing with more than mono. Despite my hurt feelings, I couldn’t help but feel even more fearful for him. Who had hung up the phone?

I felt like I was missing something huge, and as I hung up the phone I had an overwhelming urge to figure it out. I ran up to my room, abandoning my dinner. If I just thought hard enough, I could help Jacob. I mean, how drastically could his life change in a week?

Swinging my bedroom door closed, I threw myself down at my desk and pulled out a notebook. Usually I could sort out my thoughts internally, but tonight I wanted to see it all laid out. The first thing I wrote out was _mono_. Under, I began writing questions. From who? When?  
From there, my list grew to _bikes, Billy, Embry,_ and _car_. Those were the biggest parts of his life, which made them the best leads to understanding what went wrong with Jake. 

Bikes. Maybe Billy found out we were riding around town? No, then Charlie _definitely_ would have found out and I would be busted already. Maybe he rode them without me and got hurt? _Then why would he be mad at me?_ I argued. Okay, bikes were out. 

Billy. Maybe he was sick? No, that didn’t make any sense. Maybe he didn’t like Jacob being around me? My mind flashed briefly to Jake strolling up to the dance with me and Ed— _him_. Billy knew about the Cullens. Maybe he thought I was dangerous around Jake? I frowned. _But they’re already gone... Why would that matter now?_

I was about to cross Billy out before a small voice inside me said _maybe Billy doesn’t want you around for another reason._ I thought about Jake and Mike’s hands at the movies, how they both were trying to win my attention. Biting my lip, I reluctantly added _Bella_ after _Car_. As I thought, I began raking one hand through my hair while the other tapped my pen against the notebook. I desperately wanted to know what was going on, but deep down I hoped the answer revealed itself before I got to the end of my list.

Embry. _Maybe Jake and Embry met up and got in a fight?_ My hand stopped tapping as I stared down at the paper. _The Gang. That had to be it._ Maybe they hurt Jake and he couldn’t tell Billy. Or they made him an offer he couldn’t refuse, and he joined them. _What if he was hurt as some sort of induction?_

My feelings were a terrible storm of excitement and dread. I figured it out, but my answer was even worse than I had hoped for. What could I even do? Tell Charlie? I drew a squiggle across my notebook to divide my lists, but as I began to write “What to Do”, I glanced at the time and saw that I had spent over an hour on this list, and I still had to study for an exam next week...I’d have to come back to Jake, I decided. I pulled out my textbook and sat back down at my desk. Maybe after I finished studying, I’d have more ideas about Jake anyway.

I ended up studying for the remainder of the night. As I laid down for bed, I felt the same sense of powerlessness I had when I hung up the phone. I was certain that I was right-- the LaPush Gang had gotten involved with Jake and it would take something drastic to save him now. For a second I imagined myself as a vampire, swooping in to save Jake from Sam and all of them. I imagined his face after seeing me in the sun. _Dazzling_ , I thought wryly, but also with a twinge of sadness. It was different imagining myself as a vampire than thinking about the Cullens. Maybe because unlike them, this daydream was purely fiction. _At least as a human, Billy wouldn’t kill me._ And with that thought, I drifted to sleep. 

That night I dreamt that I was sitting in a van with Angela, Mike, Jessica, Eric, and Lauren. We were all laughing about nothing, and as Mike parked the car I looked out to see LaPush beach. I got out excitedly, pulling Angela’s arm into the trees toward the beach. I was going to introduce her to Jake.  


“My friend is here,” I told her eagerly, eyes trained on the beach clearing. As I stepped onto the sand, I glanced back at Angela only to see that she wasn’t with me at all. My eyebrows furrowed as I dropped my arm. My body lurched to go back and find her, but my feet stayed planted.  


When I looked forward again, I saw that I had moved far from where I was standing and was now at the foot of a large driftwood tree. There was nothing off about his appearance-- his hair was long and windblown, but he was facing away from me into the forest. I didn’t say anything to him, but I moved to sit on a twisted exposed root at his feet.  


“Do you like scary stories?” He asked ominously, still facing the trees. I furrowed my eyes at the back of his head and shifted myself to look over his shoulder. The forest was unforgivably dark, making it impossible for me to see beyond the first three feet.  


There was something about his question that itched my brain, and I was about to respond when I remembered this is where I had first asked him about the Cullens… when he told me about the Blood Drinkers. I couldn’t remember what I had said back to him to get him to tell me about the Quileute stories, and I grew increasingly worried that if I didn’t say the right thing, Jacob would leave into that forest and never come out.  


The sky darkened above us, turning the water shadowy gray. The air chilled and thickened, making clear signs that a storm was upon us. I turned back to Jake and shook his shoulder, but he didn’t move a muscle.  


“We should go back,” I quaked. Rain began to fall, striking us viciously with the strong wind. I shook him again, using both of my arms to try and turn his shoulders away from the forest. Finally, Jacob turned to me. His eyes were dark and gray, matching the water.  


“You need to remember, Bella,” I could hear his low voice flawlessly despite the raging wind. He stood suddenly, towering over me. I scrambled to my feet, nearly slipping on the roots behind my feet.  


“I can’t!” I yelled out, swiping the hair from my face. I didn't even really know what I was forgetting-- it was taking all my energy to keep myself upright. The wind whipped my damp cheeks, causing me to squeeze my eyes shut. I felt like I was going to be whisked away at any moment,  


“Bella!” Jake placed both his hands on my shoulders and stared deep into my eyes. “You need to remember who _I am_.”  


All the light left in the sky faded into night, and it was just Jake and I in the eye of the storm. Jacob dropped my shoulders and turned back toward the forest, which was now nearly invisible in the darkness. I swiped at my eyes again, squinting to see what he was staring at.  


There, not even five feet from us, was a pair of yellow glowing eyes. Jacob’s back arched convexly, his shoulders coming up to his ears. The darkness howled at him and he let out a growl in return.  


“Jacob,” I panicked, grasping at his shirt. He didn’t even notice me. Jacob launched himself straight into the thicket, leaving me with a scrap of black fabric in his wake.  


“No!” I screamed, wrestling my legs free from my snarled sheets. I made a final kick to my comforter, flinging it from the bed. My heart was beating in my ears and the darkness in my room made it feel almost like I had never woken up. I searched blindly for my bedside table, finally turning on a lamp.  
_Remember who I am._ I had the most ridiculous thought, thinking back on that first day with Jacob. _“Another legend claims that we descended from wolves”_ he had told me.  


“Wolves,” I whispered.


	5. Chapter 5

I had fallen back asleep about an hour after my nightmare, but I felt sick to my stomach when I woke up. _Wolves?_ I couldn’t help but feel embarrassed. What would Jacob say if I was wrong? I mean, the evidence against Edward had been monumental- crushing cars, the otherworldly beauty… his _eyes-- okay, move on, Bella_ , I scolded myself. Anyway, it had been overwhelming. What did I have for werewolf when it came to Jake? The legend? Him getting sick?  


Not only would Jacob probably laugh at me, he’d probably see me as pathetic for making up stories to be okay with us not seeing each other anymore. I threw myself back on my bed face down, groaning into my pillow. I wasn’t going to school today.  


Luckily, Charlie has apparently gone to work early because when I finally came down (thirty minutes after school began), he was nowhere to be seen. I rummaged through the fridge to put together a quick breakfast, still thinking about how I was going to have this conversation with Jake.  


_Bold of you to think you’ll be talking with him in person at all,_ I thought sardonically to myself, cracking eggs into a little bowl. I whisked the eggs with a fork as my mind drifted to other topics-- school… my friends… work… I cringed after taking account of the state of things: Jessica hasn’t really spoken to me at all since we went to the movies, I haven’t had a conversation with Angela in months, and it just hit me that I was supposed to turn in a research paper today in English. _God I’m a mess._ I lamented internally, pouring my eggs into the pan.  


_Pay attention, to what you're doing. That pan is going to fall._ Edward’s voice was so clear it was almost as if he was right behind me. I gasped, dropping the bowl onto the counter. Three splatters of raw egg ran up my body from thigh to shoulder.  


“Ack,” I screeched, scooting my feet back to avoid the bowl. My elbow knocked the panhandle inward, luckily not teetering it farther off-center. Eyes-wide, I stood with both my arms held away from my body and stared at the stove. If I had stayed the way I had, most likely the pan would’ve literally tipped over the stove and covered me in searing food. Before the bowl was even done rolling on the floor, I wished his voice had lasted longer.  


“God, Edward,” I bemoaned, squeezing out the egg in my hair with two fingers. Out of sheer frustration, saying his name was a burning pain rather than a striking one. I quickly shifted the pan correctly on the stove and grabbed a rag to clean up my mess.  


After my food was cooked, I debated eating before taking a shower and decided that I couldn’t eat with the crusty egg drying on my body. I turned off the oven and ran to take a quick shower. I thought about Edward’s voice in my head the entire time, naturally. Hearing him again was like scratching an itch I could never reach. I viscerally craved those moments of relief.  


I shuffled through some daydreams that could get me to hear him again-- Me laying in the street, me running through the woods with a blindfold… and then I remembered Sam Uley jumping off that pier. Jake had never taken me to the spot they were jumping off from, but I could _definitely_ find it by myself. I bit my lip as I rinsed the conditioner out of my hair. Safety-wise, this was nowhere near safe. But if I jumped from high enough, or toed the edge long enough, maybe I could maximize my Edward time.  


Resolved, I quickly towel-dried and ran to put on a swimsuit and pack a quick bag. I ran back down to the kitchen immediately after to eat my luke-warm eggs. It was around eleven now, and I wanted to go out while it was as warm as possible. On top of my swimsuit, I put on a thick sweater and jeans with extra thick socks. It was dreary outside today, but it looked relatively dry.  


On the way to LaPush, the thought of seeing Jacob crossed my mind. _No way,_ I reasoned. _It’s a weekday, he’ll be in school._ The thought was comforting-- I still didn’t know what I would say. The wording would be everything, I decided. If I started out with talking about the LaPush Gang and _segwayed_ into him being a mystical being, the odds that Jake would call me crazy reduced monumentally.  


I drove to LaPush with the windows down, feeling uncharacteristically happy. I was going to hear Edward today. I _heard_ Edward today; and even though I had literally no friends and no prospects, I could have this. As I passed a familiar street, I started to realize that I had no frame of reference for LaPush beach except the beachfront. I narrowed my eyes. The last thing I wanted was to jump in and not be able to find my way back to land, but it had to be a legitimate danger to hear him. Maybe I’d stop at the _far end_ of the beachfront so I could see the cliffs and choose a good spot, I mused.  


Before long, I was pulling up on the main street of LaPush and making my way to the beach. I felt the anticipation of hearing Edward grow like a bundle in my core. I was only a minute away now. As I stopped at a red light, I let my eyes drift to see the people trekking around me. One woman was walking toward my intersection with two grocery bags hanging from her wrist. A man farther up the road was turning to walk into a convenience store. Jacob and Embry were walking up the right side of my truck-- _Jacob and Embry?_ My mouth dropped open as I leaned back in my truck to get a better look from my side window.  


If I had seen Jake a moment later, I would’ve been sure it wasn’t him. His back was defined with more muscles than I remembered being there before and his entire gait had changed. The Jacob I knew walked like petals falling from trees- at the will of the wind. He always walked the long way to make sure we both fit when we walked together, looking back often to see if I was keeping up okay. Now, Jacob seemed to take up more space. Embry was walking a step behind him, but together they built an entire blockade of the sidewalk. His shoulders were pulled back, and he seemed kind of… graceful. Like a king.  


“Jacob?” I whispered to myself as I took in his figure. To my horror, Embry turned around and bumped Jake’s elbow. I choked, slouching down in my seat. It didn’t matter, though. Not only could I not get low enough behind my wheel, but he knew my truck anywhere. Come to think of it, he must have seen it when he walked up the street. Maybe he was trying to ignore me.  


I made a face at that thought, and unfortunately that was the look Jacob caught as he turned to face me. He looked reluctant at first, but quickly fixed his face to match mine. Except it looked way more intimidating on him than it did on me. From the corner of my eye I saw the light turn green, but I was caught by Jacob’s stare.  


His eyes were cold… mean. I tensed as he walked up to my window and rapped the glass.  
“What are you doing here?” Jacob demanded. Because I couldn’t crank the window down myself, I had to let him talk through the glass  


“Why aren’t you in school?” I asked dumbly. Jacob’s head jerked back at my question, and amusement breezed past his face.  


“I’m sick, remember?” Behind me, drivers began driving around my truck that was now holding up the street. One woman flipped me off as she passed me.  


“Get out of here, Bella.” Jake’s voice took on a sharper, steely tone. I opened my mouth to protest, but he turned away from me and began walking again with Embry.  


I openly scoffed at their retreating figure. As my shock melted, absolute fury coursed through my veins. _This_ was how Jacob wanted to act? He didn’t know that I had figured out the Gang/Wolf thing, so for all he knew I had been crying myself to sleep with worry over him. I jerked my truck into the nearest parking spot along the sidewalk and grabbed my post-swim bag.  


“Hey, asshole!” I yelled at the two boys. Their long legs had taken them farther than I expected, but Embry had the decency to stop. Jacob, begrudgingly, turned back toward me.  


“I need to _speak with you_ ,” I seethed as I approached them. Embry raised his hand, probably to say hi, but thought against it at the last second and scratched his head. He looked extremely uncomfortable.  


“There is _nothing_ to _say_ ,” Jacob hissed through his teeth. “I think I was pretty clear.” His eyes were like daggers into my own. Instinctively, I took a step back. Jacob was tense, like at any moment he was ready to break into hand-to-hand combat. I tugged at my bookbag strap and tried to match his posture by squaring my shoulders.  


“I disagree,” His face was unmoving so I desperately switched gears. “Come on, Jacob. I have been worried sick about you. Don’t you think I deserve an explanation?”  


That was apparently the wrong question to ask because Jacob’s resolve impossibly strengthened. His shoulders tensed and he rolled his shoulder like he had an itch on his ear. Embry took a quick glance at him sympathetically before turning away from us, obviously ready to leave.  


“We don’t always get what we deserve, Bella.” Jacob’s words were heavy with bitterness and finality. He was done with this conversation.  


“Jacob, come on. Don’t you have a minute? I just want to talk, Jake.” I didn’t care that I sounded desperate. I felt like there was a wall between us that I just couldn’t penetrate and I was panicked to think that this was now or never. I reached out and grabbed his forearm. It was blazing hot, like he’d been sitting near a radiator.  


“I can help you,” I whispered. “Just let me help you.”  


Jake’s face fell and for a second I saw the mask unfold. My Jake was there, deeply hurt and scared, even. He opened his mouth to say something, but suddenly froze. Embry turned his head left and both their eyes went far away, as if they were hearing something I couldn’t.  


“I’m sorry, Bella. I have to go,” Jacob snatched his arms from me and began to hustle down the street with Embry. In a minute they were already down the block, but nevertheless I shouted “I know what’s going on, Jake! Jacob! I know _everything_!”

He didn’t even look back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all! What did you think about this week's chapter? I usually avg 4 pages p/chapter but this week I really wanted to complete Bella's first face-to-face with Jacob so it's a little longer! Too much? Better? thx in advance for your feedback & kudos! I really appreciate it :)


	6. Chapter 6

Dejected, I walked back to my truck and began to head toward the beach. _So stupid,_ I thought angrily. _“I know everything?”_ my thoughts mocked. _What happened to ‘Wording is everything’?_ I laid my head back on the headrest and let out a low groan. I ruined it. I bumped my head against the rest twice, wishing I could throw my head into the steering wheel instead. God only knew what Jake was thinking now. 

I pulled into the beach parking lot and grabbed my bag. I was at the far entrance of the beach where the ground was more rock rather than sand. I treaded carefully over the uneven terrain, looking out left for the cliff. From this angle, I could just see the profile of the cliff where I suspected Sam jumped. Jake and I had been in a part of the woods that came out more than I realized, so I had a less than perfect view. From where I was standing, I could see just how high the cliff was compared to the horizon. It would be at least ten seconds of just free-falling. The hair rose on my arm and I climbed over to a large boulder. The water below me lapped over the tops of the dark gray stones. I craned my neck to look back at the cliff. I honestly wished for a slightly lower lip that I could get to, but the farthest I could see was the mountainside’s profile.

I shifted my focus to the base of the cliff, trying to imagine how I’d make my way back to shore after I’d jumped. It seemed like the only way was to swim back to the beach, I mused. I could do that-- I wasn’t a strong swimmer, but the water seemed calm enough. I’d need to drive farther up the beach and walk from there. I picked up my bag and walked toward my truck. 

The drive up was quicker than I expected, and to my surprise half-way through I saw a sign for an actual clearing. _Duh._ I thought to myself. _Obviously they’d have a place._ I parked my truck on the cleared grounds and right in front of my face was a weathered sign next to a trail. _Perfect._

As I followed the trail up to the top of the cliff, I thought about how different Jacob looked. I hadn’t really been in the headspace to assess him at the time, but he really seemed to sprout overnight. I thought about how much taller he’d gotten, and how big his arm was when I grabbed it. _And hot,_ I thought with a frown. Literally, I mean. He had been abnormally warm.

I maneuvered around a tree and made a left, suddenly finding myself on the clifftop. My eyes widened as I took in the Pacific Ocean. The sky and the water were almost exactly the same color, making it look like an endless backdrop of leaden blue. I looked down at the water before me and in my right peripheral I saw an actual smaller patch of beach. _That makes sense,_ I thought to myself with a chuckle. There’s no way anyone would swim to the main beach from here. 

I pulled my swim bag off my back and looked at the beach before me. Luckily, the cliff was a pretty straight shot downward. From where I was, I could walk a few feet to the right and literally drop my bag to the beach below. So that’s what I did. I took off my street clothes, stuffed them in my bag, and adjusted the zipper shut before giving the whole bundle a hearty chuck toward the beach. By some miracle, the wind actually took it farther than I could have ever thrown it and it fell on dry land.

And suddenly all there was left to do was jump. I took a shaky breath as I walked back to my original spot on the precipice. The cool breeze hit my chest, causing goosebumps to rise on my arms and legs. _It’s colder than I thought._ I rubbed my arms with crossed arms, taking small steps until my toes could curl on the cliffside. From here, the drop was absolutely horrifying. I kept my eyes near the horizon, only briefly looking down to seek out jutting rocks. I was in the middle of a horrible thought of _falling_ off this cliff when I finally got what I came for.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Edward whispered sharply. My eyes brightened. His voice was so clear, it was easy to imagine he could be anywhere. I closed my eyes, wanting to localize his voice behind me. 

“Welcome back,” I murmured quietly, dropping my arms. I experimentally lifted my hands into the open air, feeling the pressure of the wind on my fingertips.

“This is dangerous, Bella.” Edward hissed in my ears. “absolutely _careless_. You could get hurt.” 

“Whatever it takes,” I said with quiet resolution. I felt a stronger wind come up my left side and I took a hasty step sideways to stabilize myself. “Whatever it takes to have you back.” I repeated, closing my eyes. I could feel the anticipation rise in my chest. My palms were getting warm, and in my stillness I could hear the waves crash up against the cliffside. On the drive over, I had decided to make it a straight-shot down. I’d jump and make sure to land feet-first, just in case. 

“Is this what you think I’d want for you?” He pressed on. “What _Charlie_ would want for you?” My face changed to a small smile as I sniffed the ocean breeze. This delusion, Edward’s voice, seemed to be going down an invisible list. _Safety… Family…_ I wondered briefly if he’d get to the one that I missed the most-- the blistering wound that never seemed to heal.

Edward’s voice returned with a new, urgent tone. “Please,” He begged. “Don’t do this. Go back home.” I took a few steps back from the cliff for a running start. 

“You promised,” his voice was agonized. “Bella, please... for me,”

That was the one. The desire that sat like a hot coal in my chest simmered against my heart, but it was worth it. All of it was worth it to believe for a moment that Edward loved me again. I wished desperately that he would say it, but also knew subconsciously that this was as far as the voice would go. Maybe the list was exhausted, or maybe it knew that in some twisted, sick way, Edward’s voice was like an armor that made me braver than I ever was on my own.

“It’s all for you,” I said finally, staring deep into the horizon. And then I was off.

One… two large steps, and then I ran straight into that leaden blue.

...

In retrospect, there were a lot of indications that the water was not as “smooth” as I thought. Thinking back, the water that lapped the stones at the beach were whispers of crashing waves that would form in between the time it took me to reach the peak. The wind that I had run through my fingers was biting… a warning that would’ve told me the water was harsh if I had actually looked down and seen the waves crash against the cliffside. Edward’s voice had tried everything to keep me from nearly drowning, but in the end it was Leah Clearwater that swam to pull my weakened body back to the small clearing where I’d thrown my bag.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi y'all, sorry this is coming a day late! I had to go back home to vote and it interfered with my posting schedule :( I look forward to your thoughts and reactions to this week's chapter!! thanks again for the read


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